2012-12-20 - 8:35 p.m.
On this cold night, in this darkness, I remember my father. It was on this day, the Monday right before X-mas 2 years ago, we were given the news that his cancer had won, and that he had one week left to live. This moment...this anniversary is almost worse than the day he died. This day was a shock...and a realization...whereas his day of death was prepared for and readied. It was almost a relief when he died. But this day was anything but. Bad timing.....bad luck. I looked at my gifts under the tree, disgusted.....And I didn't want to buy anything more...I didn't want anything more. Why celebrate the festivities of the season, when we were too busy, and suddenly thrown into trying to celebrate a father's life. The year was almost over...as was my dad's life.
Last year I felt I needed to be out eating dinner rather than being home alone contemplating the anniversary. A couple of waitresses noticed I was out of sorts, and not my usual self. I almost broke down each time I told them what the day meant to me.
I had gone for a 9 mile run.....running faster and faster trying to outrun the memories and the tears that would occasionally form. Hope was fading.
And today...right now....this is the most thought I put into the anniversary. Maybe it's the cold night....Maybe it's the darkness.
